South African Adventures Part 1

Thursday, December 13, 2012

This may or may not be a very exciting account of my journey overseas but I don't want to forget the little bits we do from day to day whether or not they are something amazing or a lazy day reading and drinking tea. So read at your own risk of boredom...or just enjoy the photos.




I can hardly believe that it’s been almost 2 weeks since I have been in Cape Town. The time really does go by quickly. I arrived safely on Tuesday the 4th around 10pm exhausted after a very long 18hr flight. Thankfully it went fairly quickly and very smoothly. I and my luggage all arrived in one piece. Greeted at the airport by 3 very excited cousins and my Uncle Philip. I was whisked away to Grandma and Grandpa's house which is kind of my home base. I have a sunny little room to myself with a lovely view of the mountains out of my window. Wednesday We mostly had a quiet day resting and catching up with my Grandparents and recovering from my jet lag...which is horrible just for the record. (As I write this it is 5:00 pm here but it is 10:00am back home.)


Wednesday 5.12  night I went to a worship service at Meadow Ridge Baptist Church with my cousin Amy which was really lovely. It felt like home. It's a strange and wonderful feeling to know all the worship songs that they sing at their church half way around the world from where you live and sing the same songs. It’s warming, and comforting. It is incredible how you can be on an impossibly amazing adventure and feel homesick so quickly. It is hard sometimes to fight those feelings. But I would rather be real and acknowledge them and try to deal with them so I can move on and enjoy the rest of my time here. And I would rather be honest about them, than pretend that everything is ok when I am feeling a bit empty. Strange how you can be around people and feel lonely, even when God is right there next to you.



Thursday 6.12 was a fabulous adventure day with my cousin Amy, she is a lovely girl and we had an adventure around the cape coast to a place called Hout Bay. We first stopped on the way in part of the Table Mountain National Forest and had a little mini hike walk which was lovely. We had proper fish and chips at Fish on the Rocks in Hout Bay and then went round to Llandudno Beach which is a beautiful beach in kind of an alcove of the coast protected by the mountains. The water was absolutely clear and turquoise blue. It was so beautiful...and so so cold. It shoots pains to your bones it is so cold...but we swam anyways...not for too long, but after a nice walk on the beach we had a lovely dip and then headed back to Hout Bay for an Ice Cream. She dropped me home for a quiet evening with Grandma and Grandpa. Grandma got out her scraps of yarn and knitting needles, so of course I have a few projects going to keep my hands busy. :) Must always have a craft to work on...but more on that later...

Friday 7.12 Morning I went with Grandpa for a walk on the coastal pathway from Muizenberg Beach to St. James Beach (two of my favourite beaches)....essentially it’s a walkway that pretty well bumps up against the beach and goes for a long ways around the whole cape coast. It is the most amazing view of the ocean and mountains I have ever seen. I cannot get over the beauty of the cape. "You couldn't enjoy its loveliness anymore if you had ropes of diamonds..." as Anne Shirley would say. Grandpa and I ran some errands to the grocery stores and the mall for a few things. It is lovely just to look around the shops and the grocery store...loving food as I do, I find their markets heavenly. Grandpa and I stopped at Pick n' Pay their local grocery store for lunch and a coffee. After all the errands were done we headed home for a rest and supper...and a quiet evening of knitting and Grandma getting me hooked on 7 de Laan...which is essentially an Afrikaans soap opera...but a surprisingly clean one. It’s quiet fun to read the English subtitles...sometimes the characters speak English but one will speak English and the other will respond in Afrikaans which I find highly amusing.

Saturday 8.12 school is finally over for all the cousins and it’s the weekend! We had 2 Braai’s today. Which is a traditional South African cookout, but better food than we ever eat in the US. Boerewors which is a South African sausage that is delicious, and chicken and so many salads and side dishes that I can’t eat them all at my Uncle John and Aunt Pam's house. They live in an area called Marina da Gama, which is actually on the Marina. After lunch and coffee we jumped off their back lawn into the marina and had a swim. :-) I also learned how to paddle ski which is kind of like sitting on a surf board and using a kayak paddle....needless to say I immediately fell off and I was very sore the next day. We went from Uncle John's to Uncle Phillips for Braai number 2 where we had a yummy bruschetta type appetizer called choppy choppy which is like sundried tomatoes and garlic and peppers in olive oil on lovely bread. And Uncle Phil got to work on braii'ing 4 types of sausage and beautiful lamb chops. Traci made a lovely green salad with fresh lettuce and rocket from her back garden, which also had asparagus, snap peas and green beans in with a mustard dressing that was delicious! We had sides of roasted butternut with pine nuts, and curried coconut lentils. I tasted several lovely South African wines as well. We went home very full and very sleepy.

Sunday 9. 12 morning I went to my Granparents church with them, where I was shown around and kissed by many people and told how thrilled they were to have me. They are really so happy to have me here with them. We had a light lunch, a nap and I went for an early coffee with Johnny and then back to Meadow Ridge for their evening church service which was lovely. We again sang some songs that I know well, and I learned a few really nice new ones. It is really nice to have the presence of God make you feel so at home so far away from your home and realize that you really can worship him in all places, and that he is here with me just as he would be at home. After church we hung out with some of Johnny's friends and had delicious burgers and french fries.

Monday 10.12 Jenna and Kelly my twin cousins age 13 came to grandma's and we made paint brush cookies and had a swim, although the water was a little chilly with the wind being so strong after which we had lunch and spent some time watching Downton Abbey together, which was lovely!!! For dinner we had Cottage pie, which is kind of like shepherd’s pie, and had a quiet evening together. Grandma and Grandpa always do the crossword puzzles in the newspaper and stay up till midnight or later, which I think is funny. So I have started helping with the crossword puzzles, which is quite fun. We also spent some time watching Jamie Oliver food specials on TV which makes me want to cook!

Tuesday 11.12 we got up early to go Christmas shopping at the Blue Route Mall which is a lovely big mall. We also stopped at Vida e coffee in the mall for a coffee and snack before continuing our shopping. They have fabulous coffee. It was so strong and delicious. We also stopped during our errands at a shop called Mama's crafts for some special yarn to make twirly lacy scarves out of and I quickly got to work on mine that afternoon when I got home. They ladies in the shop even gave me a tutorial on how to make them. I also found a sweater pattern there that I am keen on trying to make. Grandma and Grandpa still have a lot of get up and go in them for being in their 80's but being out from 9a-1pm is plenty so we also had a quiet afternoon/evening.


Which brings us to Wednesday
12.12.12
Yesterday I had a lazy quiet morning and did some reading and writing. Sitting on the balcony you have the best view of the backside of Table Mountain. Grandma and Grandpa both had things to do out so I stayed behind to enjoy the view and adventure around on my own. I went for a little walk around Plumstead, which is the suburb they live in, stopped in the little grocery store to look around and buy some chocolates and things, and did some window shopping at other places. There are 2 little book shops on their street and a shop with very old repaired sewing machines in the window that caught my eye :) For lunch I came home and had Steak and Kidney pie...which is like a pot pie...but traditional British style, which was delicious. I had a nice nap after lunch and then went out in the evening with Johnny and Traci to the Earth Fair Market which delighted my heart in every way. It is exactly what it sounds like, an organic local Market with all kinds of foods and booths including: Portuguese, Indian, German, Sushi, Spanish Paella, Pizza, Poitje (Poi-key-a South African stew), a Gelato man, a pie man, a handbag lady, a stand with chutney's and jam's and one with spices, a flower stand, and The Lazy Crocodile brewing company-An organic local craft beer brewery made in Cape Town. We had lovely beer from there with our dinner...and I had Carrot Ginger and Chocolate hazelnut gelatos for dessert. The walls were muraled with vines and leaves and fun earthy sayings on them, and the place was buzzing with people. We had a lovely time over dinner. And hung out for a while after.


Today 12.13 I made curried chicken salad and a green salad for lunch for some cousins of grandpa's 2 from Cape Town that have lived in Seattle for 30 years back for a visit and 2 that I haven't seen in years. We had a nice lunch and grandma's apple crumble for lunch and coffee afterwards. And well here we are, it’s almost 6pm here and I am just finishing typing up this list. It is really interesting to be here. I am loving it, but I long sometimes for all of you to be here to share it with me. I love catching up with and being with my cousins that are my age Amy and Jonny, and with all the family, but it’s as if I know them and don't know them at the same time and that they don't know me. It hard sometimes to be away from people who know your true heart, and even harder to share that heart with the people you are with. Being known, letting friends know you, and knowing them often takes quite a long time I think. But My God will supply all my needs. I have been reading Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell while I am on Holiday here and I am really enjoying it. It is interesting and challenging. Part of me feels like there is something big I am supposed to learn or figure out while I am here...but often in life isn't it the little things that make more impact? I feel like I should come home a new and different person....but I really don’t see that happening....I love being here, it’s so beautiful and incredible and we drink tea at the least 5 times a day sometimes more, and yet I feel like I am missing something, or not enjoying it to the fullest...strange feeling that.

Fighting a loosing battle? It isn't loosing unless you quit....

“I know all about the despair of overcoming chronic temptations. It is not serious provided self-offended petulance, annoyance at breaking records, impatience et cetera doesn’t get the upper hand. No amount of falls will really undo us if we keep on picking ourselves up each time. We shall of course be very muddy and tattered children by the time we reach home. But the bathrooms are all ready, the towels put out, and the clean clothes are in the airing cupboard. The only fatal thing is to lose one’s temper and give it up. It is when we notice the dirt that God is most present to us: it is the very sign of his presence.” -C.S. Lewis Whew. What a relief to know that God still wants us, tattered and torn, masks off, just as we are...and that as long as we keep looking for Him and don't give it up that there we will find Him. What a blessing.

Stella

So enough with the song lyrics already.
It been a long time since I actually wrote something about myself or my life. My life continues to be just as ridiculous as usual. I am sure you would all be happy to hear a Henry update, so I shall recount the last few months of his life.

Henry after being repaired several more times over this past winter, and needeing a new muffle to pass inspection, and having to be towed once, also got broken into and had his stereo stolen. Because lets face it, that poor car wasn't going to have an alarm and didn't have anything else in it worth stealing. So I am left with a car with a broken tape deck (thank goodness I never threw out the factory stereo) and thanks to my very good friends Abi and James, Leopard print duct tape on my back window... suffice it to say that duct tape only holds so long and after the heat wave this July the AC isnt working so hot...ask me sometime about how I tried to put coolant in the AC system by myslef..thats a good story too. Anyhow after much deliberation I decided it was time for a new car. New meaning at least ten years newer then Henry. I searched and searched and searched for a new car, I test drove many, I even put a deposit on one and thought I was doing a great job and was soooo ready to be done car shopping only to find out I was getting swindled by the car salesman and what I thought was a good deal... well wasn't...

There were many tears, and some angery and a lot of frustration... and then a trip to the beach...to my haven in Oakhurst, where I was informed that the dearest of dear bosom friends of mine were selling a what?...a honda civic... you mean what I have been looking for the last 4 months? ...and its in great shape...and it has a sunroof...and its in my price range...and they would be happy to work with me on payments...and it would be a favor to them because they are moving and need to get rid of it...and the God Blessings just kept pouring down over me... Like a flood.

Say hello to Stella, My new car. :)

T.A.N.

Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching?
As if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run?
To where will you run?

I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands at my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life

Here at my side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

And I, I love you
And I want you to know
That I, I'll love you
I'll never let you go

This is where the healing begins...

10th Ave. N.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LartL77Nuqs

Tenth Avenue North...

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are.
What's been done for you?
Yeah, don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what he felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwtcwQwgdsA

My dear...

We're slow dancing in a burning room...

half of my heart

I was born in the arms of imaginary friends
Free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I've been
Then you come crashing in, like the realest thing
Trying my best to understand all that your love can bring

Oh half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That I can't keep loving you
Oh, with half of my heart

I was made to believe i'd never love somebody else
I made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself
Lonely was the song I sang, 'til the day you came
Showing me a better way and all that my love can bring

Oh half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That I can't keep loving you
Oh, with half of my heart
With half of my heart

Your faith is strong
But I can only fall short for so long
Time will hold, later on
You will hate that I never gave more to you than half of my heart
But I can't stop loving you
But I can't stop loving you
But I can't stop loving you with half of my...

Half of my heart
Half of my heart

Half of my heart's got a real good imagination
Half of my heart's got you
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That half of my heart won't do

Half of my heart is a shotgun wedding to a bride with a paper ring
And half of my heart is the part of a man who's never really loved anything

Saltwater Room

I opened my eyes last night and saw you in the low light
Walking down by the bay on the shore
Staring up at the stars that aren't there anymore
I was feeling the night grow old and you were looking so cold

So like an introvert, I drew my over shirt
Around my arms and began to shiver violently
Before you happened to look and see the tunnels all around me
Running into the dark underground

All the subways around create a great sound
To my motion fatigue, farewell with your ear to a seashell
You can hear the waves in underwater caves
As if you actually were inside a saltwater room

Time together isn't ever quite enough
When you and I are alone, I've never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
Only time, only time

Can you believe that the crew has gone?
And they wouldn't let me sign on
All my islands have sunk in the deep
And I can hardly relax or even oversleep

When I feel warm with your hand in mine
When we walk along the shoreline
I guess we'll never know why sparrows love the snow
We'll turn out all of the lights and set this ballroom aglow

So tell me darling, do you wish we'd fall in love?
Yeah, all the time, all the time

Time together isn't ever quite enough
When you and I are alone, I've never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
Only time, only time

When we're apart what ever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
So tell me darling, do you wish we'd fall in love?
All the time, all the time

Time together isn't ever quite enough
When we're apart what ever are you thinking of?
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
So tell me darling, do you wish we'd fall in love?
All the time, oh, all the time

Is there a chance you may change your mind....

Or are we Ashes and Wine ?

A fine frenzy kind of night...

the music just twists around your soul

The all expressive heart wrenching melodies and lyrics grasp at your entire being pulling you in

Words so true to life some days...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDEEzS7OV2k

Oh henry....Continued

I would just like you to know...when I went to get my car the guy was like "Oh, yeah it is all fixed" ...so I was like "ok great the window goes up and down now right, its ok to use ?" ..."yeah its good, just when you roll it down dont let it go the whole way into the door leave it up about an inch.".... "Ok got it, no big deal, thanks again"

...proceed to car....window still appears to be off track... no matter... i am going to be late for work if i dont get in the car and drive RIGHT NOW.

dote de dote de doe....to work we go...roll down the still crooked window....roll up the window...definitely still crooked....definitely more crooked then when i picked it up.

The window is still broken. I quit using it because it is just going to get stuck again, i already did the push pull shove roll up trick at the stop light to get it right.....and there is still a gap on the top and side...

Oh, henry. Sigh. Damn window.

Oh henry....

My little car has been through a lot this year.... new back tires....new radiator hose, new brake light, alignment...new back breaks... window rolling up issues in the middle of the night.....minor ice tire vs curb....(thank you Mormon church for changing my tire in the freezing rain...litterally.) Re inflate flat tire r/t curb/ice issue--please ask for the entire version of this story...its incredible.--discover the need for new front breaks while getting tire fixed... "Um you need new front breaks... like yesterday" (OH GREAT), go back on the weekend for new front breaks... "Um so in the two days since you have been here, You ran over a nail with your back tire...and the treads are low on them anyhow so...." New back tires....New front breaks...get window fixed while they are at it("I had to roll it up and down like 7 times before it did what you said it was doing" (I hadn't used the window for 3 months...)...and ps your back break light was out.... um... ok......A week later...i have now used my new window like three times, it works almost like new, i notice it is a little funny, but whatever it goes up and down. No problem.

not.

Oh, Henry, come on!

Sunday night, midnight, Sarah pulls up to the back to get monies for going out with the girls.... roll down the window right... not...window makes a funny noise and slides off track again while attempting to roll it up. Oh henry. So parked in the middle of the bank parking lot, in the dark, freezing cold I get out of the car and try to coax my window to close... pull, push, roll up, push pull try to roll it up....until it is about a 1/2 from the top and side....I figure thats pretty good since it was really struggling....drive to Harrisburg, hang out with the girls, go home, sleep really badly all day.....which is like not sleeping....

...go to work.... roll down wind-CRACK/POP-ouch henry that kinda sounds like it hurts.... badge into garage through half open window...trying not to laugh and cry from being way to tired and nearly late for work....and having not been able to fix my coffee at home for lack of creamer a little extra cranky. OH henry. sigh. tear. giggle.

In an attempt not to be any later for work...i jiggle the window again like the night before, push, pull roll, pull and roll, push and roll....this time it is even colder, and i feel even sillier since there are people whizzing past me in the garage staring at me.... it went about halfway.5 and proceeded to make more horrible noises as I tried to roll it up....It refused to be rolled. ...Oh screw it I think...the window is about 3/4 of the way up....I put my stereo away and make a mad dash for the time clock....half way there I realized I left my half made coffee on the dashboard... Oh no, not without my coffee tonight, forget it if I am late, I NEED THAT COFFEE.

Needless to say my window sat open in the garage all night... It was so busy I didn't get to fix my coffee until 4 hours after I had started work... No one tried to steal anything from my car, the security guards teased me for my window being down....and it was really cold driving to the car shop this morning.... *Jingle* enter car shop, "Oh, no What did you break this time"...says Roger, my car shop guy. Oh HENRY, I swear this time it wasn't my fault!

Rescued by my dear friend Julia, only a night shift girl would be nearly home at 745 am and come get you from the shop and have breakfast with you and take you home so you can sleep.

MLIA.

Oh....henry what am I going to do.... Ps the front right headlight is out too....

music and lyrics...

So I understand that most people are annoyed by blogs that continually only have lyrics posted on them. For the reader it is boring, its not enough like poetry to want to read all 8 verses and the chorus...and the bridge....and then another 3 verses. But for the writer, the poster of the lyrics, its like fireworks. Those lyrics, that song, the music, moved them. Not just like "oh thats a pretty song", but that there was motivation, encouragement, dance, or life that was inspired and created when the poster first hear that song and that in the moment that they heard it was the perfect one. *EXPLOSION*....Fireworks. I know that you have all experienced what it is like to be move by a music or lyrics and the combination of the two. So. If you don't care to read the lyrics, I am not offended, because I often do not like to read other peoples lyrics... "Oh...what did so and so post today...oh its just lyrics...no need to read all that..besides i don't really have time."...To the poster, lyrics are about the fact that they wish to share with those they love and/or the world around them the inspiration, life or whatever it was about that combination of music and lyrics that created fireworks in their life, they wish to provide others with the same fireworks..or a potential to spread the flame to someone else...to share joy, love, encouragement, and dance.

And really when all is said and done, a blog is more for the writer than the reader in that it is an outlet more than a watering tank. So If you don't care to read my lyrics, its really ok, I am not offended in the least.... But you could look up the song...because if you happen to like music and the many things that it does to make life in this world a much better place... look up my song and listen to it....it sounds better than it reads....and it was probably the combination that struck me in the first place, because when i read the lyrics, I hear the music, and I am dancing in my head.

We're here where the daylight begins

The fog on the streetlight slowly thins
Water on water's the way
The safety of shoreline fading away

Sail your sea
Meet your storm
All I want is to be your harbor
The light in me
Will guide you home
All I want is to be your harbor

Fear is the brightest of signs
The shape of the boundary you leave behind
So sing all your questions to sleep
The answers are out there in the drowning deep

You've got a journey to make
There's your horizon to chase
So go far beyond where we stand
No matter the distance
I'm holding your hand

Harbor-Vienna Teng

Location Temporary

Dive into the sleep that's waiting
Back at home the stars are fading
And you're nowhere
You're nowhere

Waking up in winter snow
The car is shaking. I don't know
How we got so far away
I guess we drove for twenty days

But the dunes move in so slowly
They swallowed a cemetery
Beside the estuary
Location's temporary

-mirah

I was going to go to bed but...My life is Average.

A good friend recently introduced me to a web page called "My life is average" (http://mylifeisaverage.com/index.html)

I nearly died laughing at this stuff. Its amazing.

This morning if I could have an entry on this site, I think it would read something like this,

"I wasn't going to eat breakfast today, I was just going to go to bed after a horrible night. Since I came home to a disastrous kitchen, I went to make a cup of tea, realizing I was hungry and all the pots were dirty (I own 2), I decided to make hard boiled eggs in the microwave. Simple. Bowl of water, plus eggs microwave for 8 minutes = quick, mess-less breakfast, (without having to do the dishes.) I managed to stuff the dishwasher and at least clean the counter tops while my eggs cooked and the kettle boiled. DING, oh good they're done. I took them out of the water, placed them on a towel, broke the shell of one to make sure it was cooked. Check. Moved them to the other counter to run them under cold water, when all of a sudden I hear a gun shot. (Insert noise of an explosion here). 2 words. Spontaneous Combustion. The first egg literally just kind of POP*ed and there it was egg splattered all over my kitchen like a paint ball. I laughed. Out loud. I stare down the second egg wondering if the same thing is going to happen to it, or if it was just a fluke kind of thing. I decide to chance it and grab a towel and run it under some cold water. Again I break the shell to peel the egg. And Fizzle, gurgle. POP. Round #2 Spontaneous Combustion. I guess I should have done the dishes. MLIA."

I cannot even explain to you how hilarious this was after one of the worst 12 hour shifts, and after several recent kitchen flops in the last 2 days. I already had frosting on my walls from Thursday nights cake episode. I actually burst into laughter. more than once. I wish I had a picture but I couldn't find my camera card. My hysterical thing that has happened to me since I got chased by the naked Spanish lady covered in poop at work.

I really wish there had been someone there to witness this with me because I think we would have been rolling on the floor. My life may or may not be average, but it certainly is amusing.

Lesson for the day: Laugh. Find joy in the ridiculosity of life. If not yours, at least mine ;)

-sj

There was something I was thinking and.....

I was gonna blog about something last night, that I thought was important...But I cant remember what it is now.

So I think I am going to bed.

I seem to be falling apart...put my world together..take my world apart... love me still

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

-jars of clay

exhaustion

I am exhausted beyond all possible levels of human exhaustion.

Physically drained.

Emotionally shot.

Wasted on trying to figure it out.

Tired of smiling.

Too tired to cry.

On the edge of being sick.

Sleepy, but sleepless.

Tormented within my body.

Lost.

Lonely.

Aware of surrounding love, yet in total silence.

Not wanting to be alone

Not wanting to speak.

Just to be.

Just me.

Empty.

Broken.

Restless.

Lost.

Confused.

Wanting.

Trying.

Clueless.

Startless.

Endless.

Anxious.

Imperfect.

guilty.

shameful.

depressed.

desolate.

disaster.

gut-wrenched.

nauseous.

agonizing.

Emotional.

Tearless.

Tired.

Exhausted beyond all human possibility.

"CAN I GET SOME HELP OVER HERE!"

Please. help. Soon.

S.O.S

Find me. I'm missing. I know I love you. I know you love me.

But I can't feel you. And I am getting scared.

I got bit

...by the night shift bug...

I started working night shift a couple months ago now, and I am addicted. I love it, and I dont know why...but it works for me. Its a little ridiculous though, tonight..well this morning i guess i tried to go to bed at 130am because I was actaully really tired, so I went to bed... infact i was in bed by like 1130. so 130 was reasonable... I slept for about 2 hours... and then I woke up again, Hungry. So here I am at 5am, status post 1 bowel of oatmeal (beacause that is the only edible thing in my house right now) and 2 cups of tea....trying to get tired enough again to go back to bed...

The point was to be able to get up at a decent hour tomorrow and get stuff done, as in before noon.... we will see about that...

My poor little Henry isnt sounding right... I know he is old ok but he has been very faithful and the little Jalepaño did trek all the way to New Hampshire and back just a few weeks ago....but ever since something just doesn't feel right, or sound right driving him. I hope he isnt sick, :(.

He does need his oil changed. I want to learn to do that myself, add to my car knowledge.

New fun big word phrase: Plausible Deniability. Thanks Heis. ;)

Most awkward thing that was said to me: (while exiting the dance floor at the 40&8) "Oh! Does he do you like he does her ?" (said with great enthusiasm by a lady in her upper 40's-50's) (awkward pause, and hysterical laughter here.)

So i live in my own little place now and I am thrilled about it, I have flowers (and I havent killed them yet),but if i don't get my screen door to slide open again they are going to die a slow and droughtful death. I have a sewing corner and I just finished my first quilt and it is super cute and I have chalkboards painted on my walls. And I love it! :)

Mmmm starting to fade again maybe it is time to go back to bed....

I know its forever...but its me...

So I have become a night shift girl. I hate getting up at 530 am ...it makes me miserable ... I hate the way I feel when my alarm goes off, I hate that I sleep poorly because I am afraid I won't hear my alarm, and I hate that it takes me till 11am to wake up enough to feel safe doing my job....not that I ever really feel safe at it... there is constant risk. However I am starting to find my niche... (that's a funny word)...anyhow I like the 3pm-3am shift...most everyone else I work with thinks I am crazy for that...but I like it... or 7p to 3a..... and I now whether I am working or not, my body thinks that 4am is time for dinner, and 430a is time for bed....sleep till 1pm and I am good to go....Its a little crazy, not something I thought I would like ever...but It fits right now ...so ...go with the flow...

I moved into a one bedroom apartment all of my own....everyone says...won't you be lonely... answer: sometimes...but mostly, I LOVE IT. Decorated just how I want it... candles everywhere, my bathroom is like being at the beach, filled with bath and body works, i have a sewing station in the living/dining room area...(who needs a dinning room table anyways...) a decent sized kitchen for an apartment...and TONS of closet space...not something I have ever had... annnnnd a balcony, on which my little plants are growing, I bought some pretty flowers today from a roadside stand they are very pretty. I like dirt.

I accidentally froze all the produce and most of the rest of the food, including my water pitcher in the fridge in an effort to make my freezer colder to freeze the margarita stuff for our girls night...which ended up not freezing, and with just me and Sam...it was still way fun, Center Stage and chatting till 2am while eating cookies...and maybe a small dance party...definitely a good evening....(excluding the fact that I am still coughing)

Upper respiratory infection ....left over from whatever virus I got from my patient at work that coughed right in my face, so close I could feel it on my face. I leaning to listen to her heart and said 'Take a deep breath in please" and I was looking at her mouth open as I was speaking and she coughed as she was trying to take a deep breath...not a little cough, like a "Hi, I have been coughing for weeks and can't get rid of my bronchitis" kind of cough. I knew that was the end of it, it was like I inhaled her whole cough. Gross. annnd I got sick ...fluish for 2 days....and now this irritating cough that will probably last for two weeks. And a stuffy nose. (At least I got rid of the virus, I didn't turn into a Swine, and I didn't puke my guts out, all things to be thankful for.)

So here I am 248am, still awake, should be in bed, but I don't have to work tomorrow so why sleep anyways...I have all day... except the sun comes in my window in the morning and wakes me at all hours...and I keep forgetting to buy an eye mask. o-well.

Some days I feel like an adult, a woman, my own place, good job, big girl bed, bills, buying furniture....and then you meet someone, or do something, and there I am feeling 16 again...gees some days I feel like I am in high school again...confused as all get out... know idea what to say, or do or act...awkward...silly...and still totally confused about who I am and what I think and believe...

Somethings I know deep down in my heart... but its hard to keep them on the surface sometimes...and other things creep in...How do you get that stuff that is deep down in your heart, what you know is true, to be on the surface too? How do you get that stuff to be the everyday stuff, and not stuck on the shelf? Beats me...any suggestions ?

Starting to fade...time to attempt sleep...

thanks for tuning in to the ridiculous life of me. Glad my friends love me despite the fact that I am completely and utterly insane... sanity is overrated anyways.