There was something I was thinking and.....

I was gonna blog about something last night, that I thought was important...But I cant remember what it is now.

So I think I am going to bed.

I seem to be falling apart...put my world together..take my world apart... love me still

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

-jars of clay

exhaustion

I am exhausted beyond all possible levels of human exhaustion.

Physically drained.

Emotionally shot.

Wasted on trying to figure it out.

Tired of smiling.

Too tired to cry.

On the edge of being sick.

Sleepy, but sleepless.

Tormented within my body.

Lost.

Lonely.

Aware of surrounding love, yet in total silence.

Not wanting to be alone

Not wanting to speak.

Just to be.

Just me.

Empty.

Broken.

Restless.

Lost.

Confused.

Wanting.

Trying.

Clueless.

Startless.

Endless.

Anxious.

Imperfect.

guilty.

shameful.

depressed.

desolate.

disaster.

gut-wrenched.

nauseous.

agonizing.

Emotional.

Tearless.

Tired.

Exhausted beyond all human possibility.

"CAN I GET SOME HELP OVER HERE!"

Please. help. Soon.

S.O.S

Find me. I'm missing. I know I love you. I know you love me.

But I can't feel you. And I am getting scared.

I got bit

...by the night shift bug...

I started working night shift a couple months ago now, and I am addicted. I love it, and I dont know why...but it works for me. Its a little ridiculous though, tonight..well this morning i guess i tried to go to bed at 130am because I was actaully really tired, so I went to bed... infact i was in bed by like 1130. so 130 was reasonable... I slept for about 2 hours... and then I woke up again, Hungry. So here I am at 5am, status post 1 bowel of oatmeal (beacause that is the only edible thing in my house right now) and 2 cups of tea....trying to get tired enough again to go back to bed...

The point was to be able to get up at a decent hour tomorrow and get stuff done, as in before noon.... we will see about that...

My poor little Henry isnt sounding right... I know he is old ok but he has been very faithful and the little Jalepaño did trek all the way to New Hampshire and back just a few weeks ago....but ever since something just doesn't feel right, or sound right driving him. I hope he isnt sick, :(.

He does need his oil changed. I want to learn to do that myself, add to my car knowledge.

New fun big word phrase: Plausible Deniability. Thanks Heis. ;)

Most awkward thing that was said to me: (while exiting the dance floor at the 40&8) "Oh! Does he do you like he does her ?" (said with great enthusiasm by a lady in her upper 40's-50's) (awkward pause, and hysterical laughter here.)

So i live in my own little place now and I am thrilled about it, I have flowers (and I havent killed them yet),but if i don't get my screen door to slide open again they are going to die a slow and droughtful death. I have a sewing corner and I just finished my first quilt and it is super cute and I have chalkboards painted on my walls. And I love it! :)

Mmmm starting to fade again maybe it is time to go back to bed....

I know its forever...but its me...

So I have become a night shift girl. I hate getting up at 530 am ...it makes me miserable ... I hate the way I feel when my alarm goes off, I hate that I sleep poorly because I am afraid I won't hear my alarm, and I hate that it takes me till 11am to wake up enough to feel safe doing my job....not that I ever really feel safe at it... there is constant risk. However I am starting to find my niche... (that's a funny word)...anyhow I like the 3pm-3am shift...most everyone else I work with thinks I am crazy for that...but I like it... or 7p to 3a..... and I now whether I am working or not, my body thinks that 4am is time for dinner, and 430a is time for bed....sleep till 1pm and I am good to go....Its a little crazy, not something I thought I would like ever...but It fits right now ...so ...go with the flow...

I moved into a one bedroom apartment all of my own....everyone says...won't you be lonely... answer: sometimes...but mostly, I LOVE IT. Decorated just how I want it... candles everywhere, my bathroom is like being at the beach, filled with bath and body works, i have a sewing station in the living/dining room area...(who needs a dinning room table anyways...) a decent sized kitchen for an apartment...and TONS of closet space...not something I have ever had... annnnnd a balcony, on which my little plants are growing, I bought some pretty flowers today from a roadside stand they are very pretty. I like dirt.

I accidentally froze all the produce and most of the rest of the food, including my water pitcher in the fridge in an effort to make my freezer colder to freeze the margarita stuff for our girls night...which ended up not freezing, and with just me and Sam...it was still way fun, Center Stage and chatting till 2am while eating cookies...and maybe a small dance party...definitely a good evening....(excluding the fact that I am still coughing)

Upper respiratory infection ....left over from whatever virus I got from my patient at work that coughed right in my face, so close I could feel it on my face. I leaning to listen to her heart and said 'Take a deep breath in please" and I was looking at her mouth open as I was speaking and she coughed as she was trying to take a deep breath...not a little cough, like a "Hi, I have been coughing for weeks and can't get rid of my bronchitis" kind of cough. I knew that was the end of it, it was like I inhaled her whole cough. Gross. annnd I got sick ...fluish for 2 days....and now this irritating cough that will probably last for two weeks. And a stuffy nose. (At least I got rid of the virus, I didn't turn into a Swine, and I didn't puke my guts out, all things to be thankful for.)

So here I am 248am, still awake, should be in bed, but I don't have to work tomorrow so why sleep anyways...I have all day... except the sun comes in my window in the morning and wakes me at all hours...and I keep forgetting to buy an eye mask. o-well.

Some days I feel like an adult, a woman, my own place, good job, big girl bed, bills, buying furniture....and then you meet someone, or do something, and there I am feeling 16 again...gees some days I feel like I am in high school again...confused as all get out... know idea what to say, or do or act...awkward...silly...and still totally confused about who I am and what I think and believe...

Somethings I know deep down in my heart... but its hard to keep them on the surface sometimes...and other things creep in...How do you get that stuff that is deep down in your heart, what you know is true, to be on the surface too? How do you get that stuff to be the everyday stuff, and not stuck on the shelf? Beats me...any suggestions ?

Starting to fade...time to attempt sleep...

thanks for tuning in to the ridiculous life of me. Glad my friends love me despite the fact that I am completely and utterly insane... sanity is overrated anyways.

I just had a revelation. Rasberry. Well, Raspberry. is spelled with a P.  a silent p. Like the fruit that I love, that we used to pick when I was little. (despite the fact that I didn't like to go raspberry picking because there were a lot of spiders, and spider webs and other bugs in the bushes....and it entailed getting up early...go figure.) Also the very first well known flavor or scent as some people say, of the great Bath & Body Works. Sun Ripened Raspberry. (I remember when I realized that store existed....bad news bears.... PS they are having a sale on hand soap 4 for 10$ until Sunday...) 

Raspberry jello, popsicles, lollipops, vanilla ice cream and raspberry sauce that my dad would make....this word looks really funny when you type it so many times...

"The raspberry (plural, raspberries) is the edible fruit of a multitude of plant species in the subgenus Idaeobatus of the genus Rubus; the name also applies to these plants themselves. The name originally referred to the European species Rubus idaeus (withred fruit) still used as its standard English name.^[1]"  

(Thank you Wikipedia.)

The fruit really is good for so many things...jam, pie, jello, pop tarts, iced tea, martinis, margaritas, vodkas, chambord, vinaigrettes,  salad, chutney, sauces, smoothies, trifiles, candies, cookies, tarts, cheesecakes, turffles, bon bons, sorbets,...flavor for almost anything edible, drinkable, or smokable, ...baked, boiled, frozen, pureed, gelatinized.....usable in every dessert known to man... and Pancakes, how could I have forgotten raspberry pancakes and matching syrup....

Its not just edible though, its also color of fabric, paint, nailpolish, lipstick, blush, flowers, and the carpet burn on your elbow. 

Its a wonder, really,  that I never knew how to spell it properly... Raspberry

    

Amused, hungry or really ready for summer?

                                   ... Mmmmm Raspberry

I don't even know where to start

So my life right now....my room still a mess... go figure :)....I work 40 hours a week, (not complaining, stating) i have decided that I like evening shifts best...if you find me awake at 4:30 in the morning it  is likely because I got off work at 3am. (my favorite 12 hour shift (3p-3a) or 8 hour (3p-11p or 7p-3a)...and rainbow brite agrees) I despise getting up early. I loathe 5:30am like you would not beleive, so on the occasion that I work day shift, I am probably cranky, and totally disoriented to what time of day it is.

However, I don't hate my job. (didn't think that would happen)

I actuallt don't dread going to work, and enjoy most of what I do, and everynow and then I end up with hilarious and amazing or ridiculous stories...If you have a strong enough stomach I will be more than happy to tell you, but I hate stopping in the middle because you can't handle to hear about it...so don't ask if you don think you can where the wild things are:)

I like most of the people I work with, I have one good friend, and several nice ones, and I get along with almost everyone. I generally have a lot patience, but I feel my tolerence for stupid people getting lower and lower with each day....at least last day...maybe it was just a bad week. 

However I am presently recovering in Conneticut...although I am returning home tomorrow...It has been a really nice break to spend some time away, other than the hospital, or my room....  and to see the sunlight. It was ACTUALLY nice outside on two of my days off, as in blue sky's, sunshine and nearly warm weather. 

I want to live by the beach. Period. I love the ocean and I want to live somewhere within half and hour of the beach.

I want someone to want to know me. To care about me. To appreciate me. It sounds selfish, I know that. But I do. and I know God does all those things, but there is still something lacking in the physical. The touchable, the face to face conversations, hugs, caring glances, someone to eat my cookies and creations. Forgive my rant, I don't mean to be all "woe is me" I'm just saying ya know, it gets lonely sometimes. 

I think I lost myself, I can't figure out who I am, where I am, what I am, where I came from, how I became this girl, woman that I seems so foriegn to me, so far from who and what I used to be, and probably light years from where I want to be or who I want to be...and who God wants me to be. The woman I am "meant" to be... Oh bother

In happy news, my dear friend Jenni had her baby today, Isabella Erin Reese Manis, 7lbs 7 oz 19inches, and an all natural birth ! I am sooo excited to be Auntie SarahJean, and so proud of my Jenni!!!!

And Happy birthday my Korianne, I miss you dear.

...The adventures of Carly's House next to be posted...